Gas pains

I’m pleased to announce a $400 billion natural gas deal between us and China.

Given the sanctions that have been levied against Russia recently, this has come at exactly the right time. We’ve been negotiating with the ChiComs for ten years now and, well, they had me over a barrel because about sixty billion USD in cash is leaving Russia. It’s gotten so bad, we’ve had to frisk soccer players on flights to games in Germany and because they’re bringing cash stuffed into their socks and underpants.

So, I guess we didn’t drive the hardest bargain at the end, I just needed a deal. Ah well, life’s too short to worry about every million. Good news is that the Ruble is up .00000000000000000000000003 per Euro on the foreign currency exchange!

A positive side of the deal is that the China won’t be coming after me for any idiotic human rights or financial irregularity issues.

 

 

 

 

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Next time, check your brakes

Yulia Tymoshenko addresses the crowd in Kiev's Independence Square

Yulia Tymoshenko doesn’t look so good, does she?

I guess her recent holiday as a guest of the state for being caught as a corrupt, deplorable, illegal, illegitimate, illicit, immoral, scandalous, senseless, unlawful, vicious, bent, heavy, racketeering, wildcat,  crooked, culpable, dirty, indictable, iniquitous, nefarious,out of line, peccant, shady,  unrighteous, villainous, wicked liar caught with a smoking gun of evidence supplied most thoughtfully by an unknown person, was not so good for her health.

If she thinks that running for office again in the completely illegal upcoming elections will save her, I am sure that more evidence from publicly-minded good samaritans may be forthcoming.

I have it upon good authority that last night an assassin put a placebo in her drink as a warning.

Why I still type on my old Olivetti

Card Stack

When I was in a certain third world country, which shall remain nameless, I found that a router had snmp public exposed to the world. It was interesting to find that it had ports named for all the ISPs in the country and a mirror port carrying lots of data, the volume of which corresponded to the sum of all the ISP’s ports… and all these ISPs routes went through that national data centre.

Good thing I learned to touch type and still have my old Olivetti typewriter. We can’t trust a goodamned piece of equipment made after 1992 thanks to the NSA.

In case you’re wondering, these posts are being banged out on paper and transferred to punch cards which is why everything you read here is in multiples of 960 bytes.

This Snowden kid explained it all to me but given that my greatest achievement in computing was years ago, I’ll have to leave it to the technical people. This glorious achievement was working on a basic program in my undergraduate years and normally when you’d drop the cards in the hopper for compiling, the first pass through was just so you could find the typos. Well, not a single typo, and the damn thing worked the first time.

Then there was the time Medvedev changed a jumper on the mechanism and all of my cards went flying and I spent the next few hours resorting the f*cking things. Ah school days. It’s all ahead of you then!

What does a $1.1 Million USD football field look like?

Image

A square of dirt used as a mustering point for attacks on coalition forces, or as a convenient place to drag off political enemies to get shot at the nearby dam* is what a $1.1 million football field built in Iraq looks like. The US tax dollar at work!

So, what was installed? Well, there’s no drainage, no toilets, no showers or changing rooms, no lights. What they do have is a square area of dirt that presumably some dozers went over once. Maybe.

I guess maybe an American firm tried to sell them an extended warranty and service contract, eh? On the positive side, playing football (soccer to my American friends), on dirt can be a bit better in training. Why? The ball is a bit more unpredictable on dirt than on grass. Still, grass is easier for falls and tumbles.

That aside, one doesn’t need much there than a case of lager and a ball to have a kick about. But, you do need to have drainage for the field otherwise it’s unusable with even a small amount of rain. Public washrooms are also a must otherwise you can’t have that many people in the location. The ‘facility’ also has no showers.

Lights are also a must. The sunset in Iraq is 18h/19h and without that, the thing is useless.

We told you guys to stay out of Iraq. Then again, you told us to stay out of Georgia and Chechnya but — hehehe — guess who won those, tovarishch?

*So I hear.

 

бум is Russian for ‘Boom’

Some of you may have read that a Proton – M rocket carrying Russia’s most advanced satellite crashed on Friday, nine minutes into the mission.

This has been one of several setbacks that have occurred recently in our space program. Now, taking the long view, unlike our American colleagues, we actually have a space program. And we have a lot of launches so a few oopsies are par for the course. Time will tell as we’ve ten launches planned for the next three months.

Last July’s failure occurred nearly instantly. I’ve got the report on my desk and am looking at it right now. One of the ignition stages went kablooie.  This latest failure was in the third stage.

Theoretically, that’s actually worse, because it’s showing problems across the board with different engines in different stages, which would be because of totally unrelated issues. One might think that there are either fundamental engineering issues or or even more likely, serious quality control issues permeating the program.

Or at least, you might think that. A simpler and much more logical explanation is Ukrainians.*

Special high resolution cameras were used film the launch today and my boys will be looking over the footage to see if any Cossacks were sabotaging today’s rocket.

 

PS: And maybe Lithuanian mob. Why? It may be that my rocket hit one of their cigarette-smuggling drones.

My prostate exam

No-one can stop the clock.

I am 61. My physician told me that it was time for a full urological check including that exam. I was worried that the exam might be too homosexual. So, I told my doctor to come back with some proposals to toughen it. So, he went in via the throat. Or rather his assistant did because my doctor’s arms weren’t long enough.

We flew in a Watusi from Africa who was over seven feet tall, and has arms long enough for the job.

It took some time but after two days, he made it. My voice is still a bit weak but apparently I passed with a clean bill of health. No problems with my plumbing.