Rogue State

Several weeks ago, many Ukrainian servicemen lost their lives when their aircraft was shot down over where.

Then we had this terrible incident where nearly 300 innocent people were killed. Now two more jets were shot down in Ukraine. There is a clear pattern here. Clearly this rogue nation needs to be brought to heel.

How long will we, the world’s civilized nations, stand by as Ukraine proves itself a danger to safe navigation of the skies for its own people, and that of travelers going about their private and lawful business?

A Proposal

Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?

I propose an immediate ceasefire in Ukraine. Times are very stressful and in this sad, and difficult situation, what is NOT needed is anything making the situation worse. My proposal:

1. That Ukrainian armed forces of all types disarm and remove their body armour and helmets. They can, however stay.

2. That Ukrainian forces admit that they shot down the airliner. Failing to do so by noon local time yesterday signifies their agreement to this clause.

3. That the Freedom Fighters who have no connection to Russia, or any branches of its government, collect all evidence from the site where Ukrainians shot down the aircraft (see the immediately preceding point) and send all evidence to a neutral and disinterested third party.

4. I volunteer Russia as that neutral third party.

5. Agreement in principle that the state over which this incident took place is responsible for this terrible tragedy.

We can write any string of adjectives. These are mere words that will never undo the suffering and loss felt by the families and loved ones of those who died in the shoot down crash, or were shot in the back of the head when their bodies were found later, just to be sure.

May I say on behalf of not merely the Commonwealth of Independent States, but as a Russian and as a man personally: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Phoning with style

Solid Gold Putin iPhone Case

Solid Gold Putin iPhone Case

Ohhh, I may not be invited to any G8 meetings in the near future but that doesn’t mean the world can’t spot an alpha male. According to those mushy wannabes at CNN, a new 147,000-Rouble iPhone case was announced with my likeness on it.

(Well, it was 147,000 Roubles. Now it’s up to something like 167,000, Christ it’s sooooo depressing.)

Once the travel bans get removed, I’ll send some representatives to pick up a few samples to pass out to the boys, and also collect my share of the revenues. I’m sure that they wouldn’t mind offering me a slice of the profits since my handsomeness is what they’re selling.

If they know what’s good for them.