Hold my vodka and watch this

I, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, now announce emergency aid for Ukraine.

Given the difficult circumstances, the political tensions and unconstitutional changes in government taking place in that increasingly ungovernable state, what with winter coming on, the Russian Federation will now distribute free energy to Ukraine.

Energy will be made available free and gratis to Ukraine in many forms:

  • Kinetic
  • Thermal
  • Chemical
  • Muscular

Because travel broadens the mind, and is amongst the best form of education, I have dispatched 20,000 tourists to Ukraine in other to distribute these.

Now, now. No need to thank me. I’m just happy to help.

Here is some live footage from my brave boys driving to Ukraine bringing safety, peace and order as they drive through Ukraine.

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And people accuse ME of lining my pockets

General Keith Alexander The Ex-NSA Boss defends patenting a totally brand new, not developed on government time, cybersecurity tech that he only came up with in three months (Link)

First of all, any software from this gent probably has more backdoor action than a gay bar on a Saturday night. That aside, we had some people at Keith Alexander‘s retirement party.  

This gent was an armor platoon leader, intelligence company commander, an intel battalion and brigade commander, and he eventually started holding staff positions.  He was never a hands on technology man but a manager.  I think his wife even said he wasn’t a huge “‘computer guy’.  

How the hell did he develop an all new cyber security system?

Next, the only time you stumble across the term ‘cyber’ is when dealing with a government customer.  That is their ‘in’ word in the government IT world.  Network platform, cloud resources, security platforms…  all cyber. You almost never run into the word when reading non-defense contractor material.  And when I do, usually the person using it was either a government employee or a government contractor within the last three years.

Hang on for a second and I’ll get to my point.

All I can guess is there are a influential club of generals in the Pentagon who love the term.  Now, ‘cyber’ in their conversations goes beyond the technology to include the humans using that technology.  Thus, you can know the square root of f*ck all about the underlying hardware and software, yet still be a ‘cyber guy’ if you think about how information gets used by government or in some military context. He probably falls into this later category and probably can’t plug in his cable TV. In the private sector, this would be the sort of insufferable marketing twat who thinks he’s an ‘Idea Man’ because he can repurpose PowerPoints.

 

Retaliatory export and import ban

The economic blockade being imposed upon Russia is utterly unfair and counterproductive. From this point forward, until these criminal sanctions are withdrawn, Russia will be now conducting export and import bans of its own. By presidential degree, I, Vladimir Putin announce the following export bans against the United States, the European Union, Canada, Australia and the NATO countries. And Finland.

Exports:

  • Hockey players (this is overdue)
  • Dash cam recordings posted to Live Leak
  • World-famous Russian luxury vehicles
  • Mail order brides with more than 10 teeth
  • Computers (i.e. slide rules, abacus, chalk boards) and drafting equipment
  • Mimeograph machines and carbon copy paper
  • Umbrella guns
  • ‘Genuine’ Russian pilot’s watches (same movement on the inside as any Eta-made Swatch, BTW)
  • Steroids/Growth hormones
  • Minox cameras
  • Fake luxury goods
  • Rotary telephones
  • COBOL punch cards
  • Unexploded WW2 ordinance
  • Eavesdropping equipment
  • Used paint
  • Grey-market ammunition
  • Haemorrhoid medications
  • Towed field guns, small arms, fixed-wing aircraft, helicopters, armoured vehicles and motorized guns/tanks and forged export certs. (Note, does not apply to Africa, the Middle East or South Asia. You guys are always welcome.)
  • Steam locomotives
  • Inflatable churches
  • Easily offended web site designers and software programmers. Particularly ones named Gregor.
  • Herbal Viagra Spam
  • Statues of Lenin
  • Manure

Imports

  • Nuclear weapons
  • National monuments (i.e. Mt Rushmore, Nelson’s Column, the Sidney Opera House)
  • Stolen cars and car parts
  • Stolen luxury watches
  • Stolen photographic equipment
  • Stolen home theatre electronics
  • Stolen office equipment
  • Stolen artworks
  • Stolen smartphones
  • Stolen diamonds from that Brussels airport robbery  in February of last year that none of my friends know anything about.
  • Mexican Pseudoephedrine
  • Beaver pelts and baby seal fur
  • Lint brushes
  • Hard cider
  • Fish and chips
  • Anything with wheels made by General Motors.
  • The Daily Mail
  • First Generation iPods
  • Cathode Ray Tube televisions
  • Analogue cell phones
  • ‘Audiophile’ speaker cables
  • The Oxford Comma
  • 386 Computers
  • VHS cassettes and players
  • Star Trek into Darkness
  • Soduku puzzles (I hate those things.)
  • Poutine
  • Ellen

You mess with the bull? You get the horns!

Tourism

Sunflower FieldsTourism is an important part of any contemporary economy.

This is true of a country’s internal economy, as well as its neighbouring countries. Cross communication with peoples is important for cultural and economic reasons, sure, but also for social reasons.

What do people fear? They fear what they do not know. This is why they say that travel broadens
the mind. Having new experiences, meeting new people, and learning the ways of others is an education.

I admit that there have been tensions between Russia and Ukraine. So, I will be sending 20,000 tourists there in the interests of improving cultural relations.

Meet Russia’s newest cosmonaut

Russian AA battery soldierI am pleased to announce that the resurgent Russia will be activating plans to move space exploration from orbital activities to the rest of the solar system. In addition to scientific satellites that are being sent heavenward to learn about the sun and our sister planets, Russia will also be sending a man to Mars.

Specifically this man.

It’ll be a surprise. Don’t tell him.