I’m sorry, I can’t hear your sanctions over the noise of all this oil I’m pumping

These sanctions are making things annoying, for sure. I mean, it’s hard getting Rolexes to hand out to children of friends at parties. But, I have what you guys want.

OAO Rosentheft, my state-owned oil company, announced a day or so ago that it — with its partner American company Exxon — found a massive oil reserve beneath the Kara Sea. Current estimates are that the region may prove to contain more oil than the undersea oil fields in Gulf of Mexico.

Here’s my number: +7 (495) 625-3581.

OAO/Exxon annoucement




Supplying weapons Ukraine while denying responsibility

NATO members are sending military material to Ukraine while NATO stands around and pretends that it’s none of their concern.

In short, NATO is pretending it’s not backing one side of the Ukrainian conflict when, in fact, it’s throwing its considerable weight behind one faction, and destabilizing  the region. This is irresponsible.

I’m… I’m… I’m gonna tell!



Scotland — I’ve got your back

I, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, make the following pledge to an independent Scotland:

You can use the Rouble — There will doubtless be no end of fiscal rearrangements after independence. Clearly no one has a crystal ball or has all of the answers, but I pledge that if Scotland wishes, it can use the Rouble as its currency.

Doubtless having its finances backed by the awesome power of a G8 country, and its money laundering capabilities, will ease the transition.

Russia will give you free anti-aircraft batteries —  If you promise not to use them ‘just because’ I can guarantee that new or lightly used mobile anti-aircraft systems can be deployed to Scotland in short order.

(Frankly, you’d actually be doing me a favour. I need to get rid of these things.)

Vote да for an Independent Scotland

Scotland votes next week. And like their independence minded cousins in Crimea, I cal upon all peoples of the world who believe in democracy, self-determination to support all cultures everywhere — apart from those inside Russia or its satellite states — to become independent.

I am all for an Independent Scotland.

Firstly, there’s the practical matter that with NATO out of SCAPA flow and down in Portsmouth, it’ll be a looooooong patrol from England to Kola Peninsula and Spitsburgen Island. Enjoy those powdered eggs lads. And, obviously anything that widens the GIUK Gap pleases me immensely.

Secondly, I am still a bit pissed off because Sandi Toksvig rung me up saying she was from the BBC and wanted an interview. Okay, I fell for it. How the Hell was I supposed to know they had a light comedy division? Anyway, my German is excellent but my English isn’t so hot but it’s passable as long as everyone’s speaking slowly and I’m sticking to material I know. Lots of the idiomatic content in the language just sails past me.

So, she tricked me into ending every sentence with ‘…Mr Bond.’ Dammit so much.

Thirdly, stolen car parts.

Since the geniuses of the City and Wall Street put the economy in a tail spin, getting spare parts and new ‘used’ cars got easy. Put’em in a container, and rather than go north or south to rebadge the cars for another European state, they ‘apparently’* took off east through the med into the Adriatic and taaaah-daaah, you’ve got stocking stuffers for the kids of your oligarch pals. Well, with this blasted sanctions business, port officials are getting pretty pesky. So, I figure the chaos of a newly Independent Scotland would be great for me.

Hurry up boys! Christmas is coming!

And lock up those Beemers!

Finally, Westerners and their artesian bread have a Dominatrix relationship with waste. They know what they do is bad and they love being punished for it. This explains much of the sexual tension in the environmental movement.

Anyway, recycling laws and their punishments are very strict in Europe so naturally they off-shore much of the dirty work of recycling because in things that cost pennies per tonne, it makes no sense to do otherwise. Well, really the easiest thing to do is put the DSLR inside of the old computer, the old computer inside of a ‘fridge, the fridge inside of a car, load the cars into old busses that were insulated with asbestos and then spend a few days moving them around jurisdictions on paper.

Then, load the works onto a container for Africa having ethically flexible businessmen accidentally mislabel them. (PDF)

Well, given the nonsense in Libya, all that Afghani and Pakistani heroin that’s washing up all over the Ivory Coast, piracy up and down the Gulf of Ginea, stolen sub-par cement and everything else, everyone’s looking more and more at what’s going in and out of the Dark Continent. From what I hear, margins are going down. So, I assume that a strong-willed forward looking business man out to make a few pounds could do quite well for himself once NATO is out of Scapa Flow.

So, if you in Western Europe want to feel good about yourselves by purchasing artesian bread, your fair trade chai and your South-Asian feminist collective produced nail appliqués, knock yourselves out. Send us your PCB and lead-laden consumer goods so we can make some money.

So, onward to a glorious future my Celtic friends. Come into my warm embrace. After all, we Slavs and Scots have so much in common.

alcoadms* I say apparently because I personally don’t know anything about the subject of stolen cars. I heard that this is how it works from a guy in a pub.