Flash: Ukranian Pilot transcript of the shooting down-ification of the civilian liner by Ukranian Air Force that’s entirely Ukrainian and in no way Russian

July 17, 2014:

Styri AFB: This is the tower. Please move to intercept the Malaysian airliner that is currently over territory controlled by Russian freedom fighters.

Pilot: Why?

Styri: Do as you’re told.

Pilot: But I am busy downloading child pornography and preparing to get Western teenagers hooked on drugs so they can be sold into slavery like in that Liam Neesom picture.

Styri: I cannot understand you because the transmissions are so bad. From what I understand, you are a Ukranian pilot, piloting a plane from the Ukranian Air Force and in no way a Russian missile truck. Please intercept but do it from behind in the most cowardly way possible.

Pilot: I am eating salo with cabbage and approaching the aircraft from their rear. Like a homosexual committing an outrage to public morals.

Styri: Please speed up and tell us how much you admire the amazing power and functionality of the amazing Russian built Suchoi fighter jet.

Pilot: I am very envious of the wise and powerful Russian scientists and engineers who can make such a machine as this. I must also mention that the piddle pack is the best I have ever used.

Styri: Under normal circumstances, I would have a difficult time understanding you on account of your thick Ukranian accent; however, I also have a thick Ukranian accent.

Pilot: What a shame we don’t speak Russian as it is a far more beautiful language!

Styri: Have you approached the aircraft?

Pilot: Yes. It appears to be a civilian Boeing 777 with South Asian markings from one of the heathen countries and probably filled with innocent people. I believe I should shoot it down to prove how badass we Ukrainians are.

Styri: You are cleared to shoot.

Pilot: Tally-ho!