I’m alive and well

Dear everyone:

Thank you all very much for your concern. From the speculation from Russia’s Israeli friends,  history lessons from the Economist Newspaper, the Daily Telegraph’s opinion about my respiratory health, et cetera, I thank you all for you concern.

Fear not! There is no palace coup, nor am I about to perish from a heart attack. The explanation has not been forthcoming, true and I apologize for that. I’m used to being strong and in fine health, so when I’m suddenly confined to bed, I not only get grumpy, I sort of clam up. My dad used to do the same thing, and I picked up the same temperament I guess.

The truth is I was looking at our dwindling foreign currency holdings and was a bit glum. Those sanctions are kind of crappy and I needed to replace my iPod. The best I could do was get a Zune off E-Bay. Anyway some of the boys came over and we started having a few drinks. This lasted a few days. Anyway, somehow I got the bright idea that it would be time to show off my father’s poison umbrella gun. (It was the sort of thing used on disloyal Ukranian labour activists in Toronto in the 1950s shortly after a nail bomb went off that didn’t kill anyone that was never attributed to anyone, in particular Russia.)Umbrella gun diagram

Anway, I sorta, kinda, accidentally skewered my foot with it.

The worst thing is, I was so loaded I didn’t notice of about ten minutes. By the time the pain receptors managed to talk to my alcohol painted brain, my foot was so swollen that I needed to be carried down the stairs by my friends. So, off to the Sklifosovsky medical centre in the back of Sergei Ivanov’s old turbo diesel Volvo.

Dammit so much.

Anyway, I’m okay. If you want to send get well cards, please address my office at 23, Ilyinka Street,
Moscow, 103132, Russia. Toblerone would be nice, too.

Nemtov investigation

I predicted a few days ago that the two men arrested in the deaths of opposition politician Boris Nemtov were the kind of men who would be shot while trying to escape. I have made some study of the matter and you can tell by looking at the position of the eyebrows in relation to the ears. The criminal mind has distinct signs of underdevelopment.

Well, it turns out that the man police were looking at as the ring leader for the murder blew himself up. While tied to a chair.

The remaining suspects — given the intense international and local media coverage — will be watched carefully to ensure that justice is done. However, they seem to me to be the sorts of men who’ll commit suicide. Just sayin’.