Needs Space

Dear President Putin:

I’ve been seeing a girl for two years now and things have been going great. We’ve been talking about a summer vacation and it came time to book a hotel. The morning after I made the reservations, over breakfast she told me that she needs ‘space’ in the relationship.

What do I do?

 — Space Man


Dear Cosmonaut:

When a woman says she needs ‘space’ in a relationship she means that she needs space in her pants for another man. Basically, it’s over. You have two options. You either chase after her like a whipped dog, in which case she’ll resent you more; or walk away.

At which point she’ll either run after you or she won’t. If she does, then what she was seeking was Alpha Male behavior. If not,  have her car blown up.


Maybe I like black girls?

We don’t really have any Nubians in Russia or the Commonwealth of Independent States. Nothing wrong with that per se, of course. Anyway, I was at Lubyanka Square interviewing someone when I realized the rolled up magazine I was using was a fashion magazine.

It unrolled a bit as I switched arms. A bunch of subscription post cards fell out. Christ, I hate those things.

I bent to pick the ёбаный things up for recycling when I noticed this cosmetic advert. There was a lovely black model. I put the magazine on my coat because I didn’t want to ruin the photo. Anyway, when we were finished it turns outs some helpful soul had collected it and dropped it in the blue box.

I draped my coat on the blue box and pretended to have to tie my hobnailed boot. As I stood, I collected the magazine. I have the photograph on my bulletin board now. I have no idea why I’m telling you this. One thing for certain, Obama’s a lucky man. If I’m seeing a gal by the time we have the next G8 conference*, maybe he and I could have a swap night?

* Assuming it’s not the G7 by then.