I’m alive and well

Dear everyone:

Thank you all very much for your concern. From the speculation from Russia’s Israeli friends,  history lessons from the Economist Newspaper, the Daily Telegraph’s opinion about my respiratory health, et cetera, I thank you all for you concern.

Fear not! There is no palace coup, nor am I about to perish from a heart attack. The explanation has not been forthcoming, true and I apologize for that. I’m used to being strong and in fine health, so when I’m suddenly confined to bed, I not only get grumpy, I sort of clam up. My dad used to do the same thing, and I picked up the same temperament I guess.

The truth is I was looking at our dwindling foreign currency holdings and was a bit glum. Those sanctions are kind of crappy and I needed to replace my iPod. The best I could do was get a Zune off E-Bay. Anyway some of the boys came over and we started having a few drinks. This lasted a few days. Anyway, somehow I got the bright idea that it would be time to show off my father’s poison umbrella gun. (It was the sort of thing used on disloyal Ukranian labour activists in Toronto in the 1950s shortly after a nail bomb went off that didn’t kill anyone that was never attributed to anyone, in particular Russia.)Umbrella gun diagram

Anway, I sorta, kinda, accidentally skewered my foot with it.

The worst thing is, I was so loaded I didn’t notice of about ten minutes. By the time the pain receptors managed to talk to my alcohol painted brain, my foot was so swollen that I needed to be carried down the stairs by my friends. So, off to the Sklifosovsky medical centre in the back of Sergei Ivanov’s old turbo diesel Volvo.

Dammit so much.

Anyway, I’m okay. If you want to send get well cards, please address my office at 23, Ilyinka Street,
Moscow, 103132, Russia. Toblerone would be nice, too.

Advertisements

On the death of opposition politician Boris Nemtsov

It is a sad day in Russia. Boris Nemtsov was shot to death shortly after midnight on Saturday, Moscow time.

He was shot four times from behind. An investigators at the scene of the sad, sad incident reached an early conclusion that he shot himself in the back accidentally while cleaning a sidearm as he demonstrated a very difficult yoga position. It turns out there were witnesses and this conclusion has been retracted and the investigation has been reopened.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I was, at the time, reading fairy tales to orphans in a hospital at the other end of town at the time.

I’m taking personal charge of this investigation and promise his family, his friends, his supporters and the Russian people, I shall not rest until this investigation reaches the correct conclusion.

ISIL, steady on

If you’re going to pick a fight ISIL, be my guest and pick a fight with the West but why pick on Japan? Don’t get me wrong, Russia has its own territorial disputes with Japan but this go back to pre World War One days and hardly a burning concern. However, beheading the nationals of people who aren’t bombing you isn’t exactly good PR. And given that the ‘technicals‘ you have — modified trucks with heavy machine guns or larger anti-aircraft guns — are all Toyotas, you’ve just killed your supply chain.

I guarantee you the Germans won’t be selling you any Mercedes vans. And trust me, you don’t want to buy a Dodge. So, who’s going sell you trucks? Me? I’d not wish Russian vehicles on our worst enemies.

Besides, you idiots, this will mean a general purpose economic blockade on my south which is the last fucking thing I needed. Now I’ll have to get my rather badly-needed consumer goods though further east.

A final thought: The Japanese do outsource a lot of their ops to the Yakuza for both political deniability and because even the mob over there has bought into Six Sigma/Lean. Aum Shinriko learned this the hard way. The Japanese don’t have a lot of force projection to the middle east but I’d be worried about your couriers and bagmen you have as part of your money laundering operations in Pakistan suddenly getting garrotted.

The Japanese don’t have a lot of business interests in the Middle East, but there are interests there still, and much of it has to do with oil, and that is enough money for there to have folks who speak the languages. Business interests move money, and those business interests have ties to the Diet, and those gents have ties to organized crime, even if it’s just to ensure their shareholders toe the line, or to keep from having their shareholders fleeced by more sophisticated gangs specializing in government contracts and the movement of cash.

Really. Did you have to pick a fight with the one other culture that had suicide attacks?

Scotland — I’ve got your back

I, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, make the following pledge to an independent Scotland:

You can use the Rouble — There will doubtless be no end of fiscal rearrangements after independence. Clearly no one has a crystal ball or has all of the answers, but I pledge that if Scotland wishes, it can use the Rouble as its currency.

Doubtless having its finances backed by the awesome power of a G8 country, and its money laundering capabilities, will ease the transition.

Russia will give you free anti-aircraft batteries —  If you promise not to use them ‘just because’ I can guarantee that new or lightly used mobile anti-aircraft systems can be deployed to Scotland in short order.

(Frankly, you’d actually be doing me a favour. I need to get rid of these things.)

Vote да for an Independent Scotland

Scotland votes next week. And like their independence minded cousins in Crimea, I cal upon all peoples of the world who believe in democracy, self-determination to support all cultures everywhere — apart from those inside Russia or its satellite states — to become independent.

I am all for an Independent Scotland.

Firstly, there’s the practical matter that with NATO out of SCAPA flow and down in Portsmouth, it’ll be a looooooong patrol from England to Kola Peninsula and Spitsburgen Island. Enjoy those powdered eggs lads. And, obviously anything that widens the GIUK Gap pleases me immensely.

Secondly, I am still a bit pissed off because Sandi Toksvig rung me up saying she was from the BBC and wanted an interview. Okay, I fell for it. How the Hell was I supposed to know they had a light comedy division? Anyway, my German is excellent but my English isn’t so hot but it’s passable as long as everyone’s speaking slowly and I’m sticking to material I know. Lots of the idiomatic content in the language just sails past me.

So, she tricked me into ending every sentence with ‘…Mr Bond.’ Dammit so much.

Thirdly, stolen car parts.

Since the geniuses of the City and Wall Street put the economy in a tail spin, getting spare parts and new ‘used’ cars got easy. Put’em in a container, and rather than go north or south to rebadge the cars for another European state, they ‘apparently’* took off east through the med into the Adriatic and taaaah-daaah, you’ve got stocking stuffers for the kids of your oligarch pals. Well, with this blasted sanctions business, port officials are getting pretty pesky. So, I figure the chaos of a newly Independent Scotland would be great for me.

Hurry up boys! Christmas is coming!

And lock up those Beemers!

Finally, Westerners and their artesian bread have a Dominatrix relationship with waste. They know what they do is bad and they love being punished for it. This explains much of the sexual tension in the environmental movement.

Anyway, recycling laws and their punishments are very strict in Europe so naturally they off-shore much of the dirty work of recycling because in things that cost pennies per tonne, it makes no sense to do otherwise. Well, really the easiest thing to do is put the DSLR inside of the old computer, the old computer inside of a ‘fridge, the fridge inside of a car, load the cars into old busses that were insulated with asbestos and then spend a few days moving them around jurisdictions on paper.

Then, load the works onto a container for Africa having ethically flexible businessmen accidentally mislabel them. (PDF)

Well, given the nonsense in Libya, all that Afghani and Pakistani heroin that’s washing up all over the Ivory Coast, piracy up and down the Gulf of Ginea, stolen sub-par cement and everything else, everyone’s looking more and more at what’s going in and out of the Dark Continent. From what I hear, margins are going down. So, I assume that a strong-willed forward looking business man out to make a few pounds could do quite well for himself once NATO is out of Scapa Flow.

So, if you in Western Europe want to feel good about yourselves by purchasing artesian bread, your fair trade chai and your South-Asian feminist collective produced nail appliqués, knock yourselves out. Send us your PCB and lead-laden consumer goods so we can make some money.

So, onward to a glorious future my Celtic friends. Come into my warm embrace. After all, we Slavs and Scots have so much in common.

alcoadms* I say apparently because I personally don’t know anything about the subject of stolen cars. I heard that this is how it works from a guy in a pub.

Retaliatory export and import ban

The economic blockade being imposed upon Russia is utterly unfair and counterproductive. From this point forward, until these criminal sanctions are withdrawn, Russia will be now conducting export and import bans of its own. By presidential degree, I, Vladimir Putin announce the following export bans against the United States, the European Union, Canada, Australia and the NATO countries. And Finland.

Exports:

  • Hockey players (this is overdue)
  • Dash cam recordings posted to Live Leak
  • World-famous Russian luxury vehicles
  • Mail order brides with more than 10 teeth
  • Computers (i.e. slide rules, abacus, chalk boards) and drafting equipment
  • Mimeograph machines and carbon copy paper
  • Umbrella guns
  • ‘Genuine’ Russian pilot’s watches (same movement on the inside as any Eta-made Swatch, BTW)
  • Steroids/Growth hormones
  • Minox cameras
  • Fake luxury goods
  • Rotary telephones
  • COBOL punch cards
  • Unexploded WW2 ordinance
  • Eavesdropping equipment
  • Used paint
  • Grey-market ammunition
  • Haemorrhoid medications
  • Towed field guns, small arms, fixed-wing aircraft, helicopters, armoured vehicles and motorized guns/tanks and forged export certs. (Note, does not apply to Africa, the Middle East or South Asia. You guys are always welcome.)
  • Steam locomotives
  • Inflatable churches
  • Easily offended web site designers and software programmers. Particularly ones named Gregor.
  • Herbal Viagra Spam
  • Statues of Lenin
  • Manure

Imports

  • Nuclear weapons
  • National monuments (i.e. Mt Rushmore, Nelson’s Column, the Sidney Opera House)
  • Stolen cars and car parts
  • Stolen luxury watches
  • Stolen photographic equipment
  • Stolen home theatre electronics
  • Stolen office equipment
  • Stolen artworks
  • Stolen smartphones
  • Stolen diamonds from that Brussels airport robbery  in February of last year that none of my friends know anything about.
  • Mexican Pseudoephedrine
  • Beaver pelts and baby seal fur
  • Lint brushes
  • Hard cider
  • Fish and chips
  • Anything with wheels made by General Motors.
  • The Daily Mail
  • First Generation iPods
  • Cathode Ray Tube televisions
  • Analogue cell phones
  • ‘Audiophile’ speaker cables
  • The Oxford Comma
  • 386 Computers
  • VHS cassettes and players
  • Star Trek into Darkness
  • Soduku puzzles (I hate those things.)
  • Poutine
  • Ellen

You mess with the bull? You get the horns!

Tourism

Sunflower FieldsTourism is an important part of any contemporary economy.

This is true of a country’s internal economy, as well as its neighbouring countries. Cross communication with peoples is important for cultural and economic reasons, sure, but also for social reasons.

What do people fear? They fear what they do not know. This is why they say that travel broadens
the mind. Having new experiences, meeting new people, and learning the ways of others is an education.

I admit that there have been tensions between Russia and Ukraine. So, I will be sending 20,000 tourists there in the interests of improving cultural relations.

Meet Russia’s newest cosmonaut

Russian AA battery soldierI am pleased to announce that the resurgent Russia will be activating plans to move space exploration from orbital activities to the rest of the solar system. In addition to scientific satellites that are being sent heavenward to learn about the sun and our sister planets, Russia will also be sending a man to Mars.

Specifically this man.

It’ll be a surprise. Don’t tell him.