Nemtov investigation

I predicted a few days ago that the two men arrested in the deaths of opposition politician Boris Nemtov were the kind of men who would be shot while trying to escape. I have made some study of the matter and you can tell by looking at the position of the eyebrows in relation to the ears. The criminal mind has distinct signs of underdevelopment.

Well, it turns out that the man police were looking at as the ring leader for the murder blew himself up. While tied to a chair.

The remaining suspects — given the intense international and local media coverage — will be watched carefully to ensure that justice is done. However, they seem to me to be the sorts of men who’ll commit suicide. Just sayin’.


Just you wait

Even the US’s own generals admit how strong and powerful Russia is: Russia gearing up the capacity to get hopelessly bogged down in three campaigns.

Russia is working to develop within a few years the capability to threaten several neighbors at once on the scale of its present operation in Ukraine, a senior American general said.

Lieutenant-General Ben Hodges, commander of U.S. Army forces in Europe, told Reuters an attack on another neighbour does not seem like an immediate threat because Moscow appears to have its hands full in Ukraine for now.

That’s right. Of course we’d need to mobilize which given the state of the economy, is not exactly a priority because I’m busy raising interest rates to prove just how much of a capitalist I am. This has nothing to do with the sanctions. You may think that we have only have about $300 billion in our foreign currency reserves in liquid assets including $80 billion in gold and the big state-owned companies (or majority state-owned companies) and private businesses in Russia owe about $700 billion in corporate debt coming due within the next three to five years. All of this is owed to western banks in dollar or euro-denominated amounts.

But I can always create more cash by flexing my pecs. How? Because I have seven pecs. Each with its own set of testicles. The sheer amount of testosterone I generate influences the foreign currency exchange.

The two threads of this discussion are tied.

Plans for this year include 700 new armored vehicles, 126 new military planes, 88 new helicopters and two brigades of Iskander-M air defense systems. Men, vehicles, river crossing gear, tanks, weapons, material, boots and the like all need to be paid for. Well, we in Russia certainly know how to do that: by directing all state resources to the military and letting the population freeze and go hungry.

We did it for 69 years one. Once more can’t hurt.

Of course, an alternate is to make the Rouble a reserve currency to the US Dollar, the Euro and the BPS. Last year I spent $76 billion USD and 5 billion Euros to keep the Rouble from going into the toilet. Why are my lovely roubles leaving when you could all buy my oil and fine Russian consumer goods in roubles?


Before my cash reserves dry out.


Flash: Ukranian Pilot transcript of the shooting down-ification of the civilian liner by Ukranian Air Force that’s entirely Ukrainian and in no way Russian

July 17, 2014:

Styri AFB: This is the tower. Please move to intercept the Malaysian airliner that is currently over territory controlled by Russian freedom fighters.

Pilot: Why?

Styri: Do as you’re told.

Pilot: But I am busy downloading child pornography and preparing to get Western teenagers hooked on drugs so they can be sold into slavery like in that Liam Neesom picture.

Styri: I cannot understand you because the transmissions are so bad. From what I understand, you are a Ukranian pilot, piloting a plane from the Ukranian Air Force and in no way a Russian missile truck. Please intercept but do it from behind in the most cowardly way possible.

Pilot: I am eating salo with cabbage and approaching the aircraft from their rear. Like a homosexual committing an outrage to public morals.

Styri: Please speed up and tell us how much you admire the amazing power and functionality of the amazing Russian built Suchoi fighter jet.

Pilot: I am very envious of the wise and powerful Russian scientists and engineers who can make such a machine as this. I must also mention that the piddle pack is the best I have ever used.

Styri: Under normal circumstances, I would have a difficult time understanding you on account of your thick Ukranian accent; however, I also have a thick Ukranian accent.

Pilot: What a shame we don’t speak Russian as it is a far more beautiful language!

Styri: Have you approached the aircraft?

Pilot: Yes. It appears to be a civilian Boeing 777 with South Asian markings from one of the heathen countries and probably filled with innocent people. I believe I should shoot it down to prove how badass we Ukrainians are.

Styri: You are cleared to shoot.

Pilot: Tally-ho!


I’m sorry, I can’t hear your sanctions over the noise of all this oil I’m pumping

These sanctions are making things annoying, for sure. I mean, it’s hard getting Rolexes to hand out to children of friends at parties. But, I have what you guys want.

OAO Rosentheft, my state-owned oil company, announced a day or so ago that it — with its partner American company Exxon — found a massive oil reserve beneath the Kara Sea. Current estimates are that the region may prove to contain more oil than the undersea oil fields in Gulf of Mexico.

Here’s my number: +7 (495) 625-3581.

OAO/Exxon annoucement



Supplying weapons Ukraine while denying responsibility

NATO members are sending military material to Ukraine while NATO stands around and pretends that it’s none of their concern.

In short, NATO is pretending it’s not backing one side of the Ukrainian conflict when, in fact, it’s throwing its considerable weight behind one faction, and destabilizing  the region. This is irresponsible.

I’m… I’m… I’m gonna tell!



Phoning with style

Solid Gold Putin iPhone Case

Solid Gold Putin iPhone Case

Ohhh, I may not be invited to any G8 meetings in the near future but that doesn’t mean the world can’t spot an alpha male. According to those mushy wannabes at CNN, a new 147,000-Rouble iPhone case was announced with my likeness on it.

(Well, it was 147,000 Roubles. Now it’s up to something like 167,000, Christ it’s sooooo depressing.)

Once the travel bans get removed, I’ll send some representatives to pick up a few samples to pass out to the boys, and also collect my share of the revenues. I’m sure that they wouldn’t mind offering me a slice of the profits since my handsomeness is what they’re selling.

If they know what’s good for them.