Conference call today

Today I had a conference call between German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the illegitimate Ukranian President Petro Poroshenko, and French President François Hollande. The call was arranged to take place after the three met earlier for (what they think) were private face to face talks to discuss the situation in Eastern Ukraine that I have noting to do with.

I am very pleased to report that the talks reached a definitive milestone. I am happy to report definite progress on a key matter: Angela used my first name. Ohhh, I am on a cloud, I tell you.

On a cloud!

Putin and Angela


ISIL, steady on

If you’re going to pick a fight ISIL, be my guest and pick a fight with the West but why pick on Japan? Don’t get me wrong, Russia has its own territorial disputes with Japan but this go back to pre World War One days and hardly a burning concern. However, beheading the nationals of people who aren’t bombing you isn’t exactly good PR. And given that the ‘technicals‘ you have — modified trucks with heavy machine guns or larger anti-aircraft guns — are all Toyotas, you’ve just killed your supply chain.

I guarantee you the Germans won’t be selling you any Mercedes vans. And trust me, you don’t want to buy a Dodge. So, who’s going sell you trucks? Me? I’d not wish Russian vehicles on our worst enemies.

Besides, you idiots, this will mean a general purpose economic blockade on my south which is the last fucking thing I needed. Now I’ll have to get my rather badly-needed consumer goods though further east.

A final thought: The Japanese do outsource a lot of their ops to the Yakuza for both political deniability and because even the mob over there has bought into Six Sigma/Lean. Aum Shinriko learned this the hard way. The Japanese don’t have a lot of force projection to the middle east but I’d be worried about your couriers and bagmen you have as part of your money laundering operations in Pakistan suddenly getting garrotted.

The Japanese don’t have a lot of business interests in the Middle East, but there are interests there still, and much of it has to do with oil, and that is enough money for there to have folks who speak the languages. Business interests move money, and those business interests have ties to the Diet, and those gents have ties to organized crime, even if it’s just to ensure their shareholders toe the line, or to keep from having their shareholders fleeced by more sophisticated gangs specializing in government contracts and the movement of cash.

Really. Did you have to pick a fight with the one other culture that had suicide attacks?

Just you wait

Even the US’s own generals admit how strong and powerful Russia is: Russia gearing up the capacity to get hopelessly bogged down in three campaigns.

Russia is working to develop within a few years the capability to threaten several neighbors at once on the scale of its present operation in Ukraine, a senior American general said.

Lieutenant-General Ben Hodges, commander of U.S. Army forces in Europe, told Reuters an attack on another neighbour does not seem like an immediate threat because Moscow appears to have its hands full in Ukraine for now.

That’s right. Of course we’d need to mobilize which given the state of the economy, is not exactly a priority because I’m busy raising interest rates to prove just how much of a capitalist I am. This has nothing to do with the sanctions. You may think that we have only have about $300 billion in our foreign currency reserves in liquid assets including $80 billion in gold and the big state-owned companies (or majority state-owned companies) and private businesses in Russia owe about $700 billion in corporate debt coming due within the next three to five years. All of this is owed to western banks in dollar or euro-denominated amounts.

But I can always create more cash by flexing my pecs. How? Because I have seven pecs. Each with its own set of testicles. The sheer amount of testosterone I generate influences the foreign currency exchange.

The two threads of this discussion are tied.

Plans for this year include 700 new armored vehicles, 126 new military planes, 88 new helicopters and two brigades of Iskander-M air defense systems. Men, vehicles, river crossing gear, tanks, weapons, material, boots and the like all need to be paid for. Well, we in Russia certainly know how to do that: by directing all state resources to the military and letting the population freeze and go hungry.

We did it for 69 years one. Once more can’t hurt.

Of course, an alternate is to make the Rouble a reserve currency to the US Dollar, the Euro and the BPS. Last year I spent $76 billion USD and 5 billion Euros to keep the Rouble from going into the toilet. Why are my lovely roubles leaving when you could all buy my oil and fine Russian consumer goods in roubles?


Before my cash reserves dry out.


Flash: Ukranian Pilot transcript of the shooting down-ification of the civilian liner by Ukranian Air Force that’s entirely Ukrainian and in no way Russian

July 17, 2014:

Styri AFB: This is the tower. Please move to intercept the Malaysian airliner that is currently over territory controlled by Russian freedom fighters.

Pilot: Why?

Styri: Do as you’re told.

Pilot: But I am busy downloading child pornography and preparing to get Western teenagers hooked on drugs so they can be sold into slavery like in that Liam Neesom picture.

Styri: I cannot understand you because the transmissions are so bad. From what I understand, you are a Ukranian pilot, piloting a plane from the Ukranian Air Force and in no way a Russian missile truck. Please intercept but do it from behind in the most cowardly way possible.

Pilot: I am eating salo with cabbage and approaching the aircraft from their rear. Like a homosexual committing an outrage to public morals.

Styri: Please speed up and tell us how much you admire the amazing power and functionality of the amazing Russian built Suchoi fighter jet.

Pilot: I am very envious of the wise and powerful Russian scientists and engineers who can make such a machine as this. I must also mention that the piddle pack is the best I have ever used.

Styri: Under normal circumstances, I would have a difficult time understanding you on account of your thick Ukranian accent; however, I also have a thick Ukranian accent.

Pilot: What a shame we don’t speak Russian as it is a far more beautiful language!

Styri: Have you approached the aircraft?

Pilot: Yes. It appears to be a civilian Boeing 777 with South Asian markings from one of the heathen countries and probably filled with innocent people. I believe I should shoot it down to prove how badass we Ukrainians are.

Styri: You are cleared to shoot.

Pilot: Tally-ho!


The best birthday present ever

I was reading the Guardian this morning and noticed this lovely story. They interviewed someone called Keith Bristow, the head of the National Crime Agency. The NCS has the same job as the FBI in the United States.  Get a load of this choice quote:

Britons must accept a greater loss of digital freedoms in return for greater safety from serious criminals and terrorists.’ He also mentions pedophiles because saying ‘think of the children‘ never hurts.

The article covers the interview’s highlights only. (I know because my people bugged the room.) But he follows up with another quote he says that for ‘policing by consent,’ the consent is ‘expressed through legislation.’  While this might sound nice remember that the Home Secretary called last week for greater mass surveillance powers. Presumably whoever wins power in the elections next year will claim that this gives them the required consent to pass the laws.

Just a few weeks ago, Australia’s Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, said ‘Regrettably, for some time to come, Australians will have to endure more security than we’re used to, and more inconvenience than we would like. Regrettably for some time to come, the delicate balance between freedom and security may have to shift.’

Ah, trading freedoms for safety always works out, doesn’t it? It’s almost like playing quotation bingo with these issues now.

  • ‘Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.’ — Pitt the Younger
  • ‘Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.’ — Benjamin Franklin
  • ‘The problem in defense is how far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without.’ — Dwight D. Eisenhower
  • ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’ — George Santayana

But what do we have instead? You guys becoming more like me.

As I said, a lovely present!

My new line of fitness equipment


Vlad's Chest Expander

Vlad’s Chest Expander*

Buy Now!

I’ve been having some cash flow problems because of these darned sanctions the west has imposed upon me just because I respected the democratically expressed will of the people of Crimea to be invaded, so I’m now selling my own line of fitness gear. I’m starting with a chest expander so that you can have an alpha male chest like mine.

Buy now and you can be as strong as a Spetsnatz!

Cash only.


* May contain depleted uranium.


I’m sorry, I can’t hear your sanctions over the noise of all this oil I’m pumping

These sanctions are making things annoying, for sure. I mean, it’s hard getting Rolexes to hand out to children of friends at parties. But, I have what you guys want.

OAO Rosentheft, my state-owned oil company, announced a day or so ago that it — with its partner American company Exxon — found a massive oil reserve beneath the Kara Sea. Current estimates are that the region may prove to contain more oil than the undersea oil fields in Gulf of Mexico.

Here’s my number: +7 (495) 625-3581.

OAO/Exxon annoucement